Ask Me Anything…

All of my life I’ve been told that i’m good at listening and saying the right things, and then when I started this online community I was suddenly inundated with messages from women asking for my advice. I feel very flattered and a tiny bit shocked that so many want to ask me what my thoughts are or what I would do if it was happening to me that I’ve decided to start sharing with you all of the things that people ask me, as I’ve noticed that quite a lot are similar with ladies dealing with the same issues.  

If you would like to ask me anything then please do get in touch using the form below. And I really mean anything! Funny, sad, good or bad, really I am unshockable and always willing to try to help if I can. Even if that’s just by putting you in touch with organisations that can help you further. All posts that I share will have their names changed for anonymity purposes. 

Please note that although I have experienced quite a bit in my 30 years i am in no way a professional and will not be held responsible in any way shape or form for any decisions made or advise followed after our communications. I’d ask you to imagine that we are just having a cup of tea and a chat at my kitchen table!

And lastly I really do hope that you all enjoy reading and gain something from this, and if it helps just one person then my job has been done!

 

 


 

 

Relationship Dilemma

Me and my farmer partner are constantly falling out to the point we have split up for the second time. He is coming round to chat tonight. I’m so frustrated with him but I love him.

Sorry to hear that you aren’t getting on. It’s definitely a hard job being a farmer, but it’s a bloody hard job being his wife/partner too and I think they forget that!

Without knowing what exactly it is that you argue about it’s hard to give advice.

The fact that he’s coming around to talk tells me that you both still care, you wouldn’t be doing it otherwise. So, between now and then I would write everything down. That’s everything you want to say to him. How you feel. What YOU want. Everything that needs to change. And it always helps to do a ‘pros and cons’ about him too as seeing it written down will really help you to figure out what you want.
Get a pen and paper or write it on your phone and literally list everything that you like about him, all of the best bits. And then write down all of the worst. If the pros outweigh the cons then great, you’ve got something to work on!

Sometimes though love just isn’t enough unfortunately and although we really really love someone we aren’t always compatible. You can try and try but it may never work and then you run the risk of both being miserable. Sometimes the hardest thing is to let them go. It hurts like hell but eventually you’ll both find happiness.

Either way I hope you do find your happiness.
Good luck xx

 

 

Acceptance

I have lived with my partner on a farm for several years – he’s a full time farmer. Despite not coming from a farming background and having a full time job in the town, I spend most of my spare time helping out on the farm in evenings and on weekends. I absolutely love this, and over time have found myself wondering whether I could ever leave the city life and join him somehow. However, whenever I mention this to him or his family (who are absolutely lovely) I feel I am politely knocked back – it appears I am ‘country enough’ to help out, but will always be ‘too towny’ to properly be involved in farming. It’s a little disheartening to say the least. Have you any advice on being accepted in to a farming family/community?

Let me tell you that I and so so so many others know exactly how you are feeling! It’s so frustrating and upsetting when you are made to feel that you’re only good enough, or wanted when they need you for something but not on a regular basis.
There are other women who have been around longer than me (and maybe they’ll comment below with any help and advice) that I’m sure will be able to share their wisdom with you and the hundreds of others that I’m sure will want to know the answer to this!
I’ve been on the farm for about 6 years now and if I’m totally honest I don’t really feel a part of it. I’m needed at lambing and have managed to work my way up the lambing ladder… people actually listen to me now! But that’s it. My opinion isn’t wanted any other time, nobody talks to me about anything else and I certainly don’t feel a part of the farm… that’s been made very clear by the extended family.

Usually I’d say it takes time, as I think the family like to know that you’re going to stick around first, but you say you’ve been together for several years so you’ve been there plenty long enough in my mind.
Have you asked them straight up why they don’t want you on the farm full time?
It might just be because they don’t have the money to pay you if you left your full time employment for a full on life on the farm, or maybe they don’t have a position available, as in they don’t have enough work for you?

If they’re lovely like you say I’m sure you will be able to politely ask them for their reasons for knocking you back. It might just be something innocent after all.

Good luck and I do hope that one day you’ll feel accepted. It’s hard when you don’t.

* If anyone has any advice for this lady then please comment at the bottom of this page, starting your message ‘Acceptance’ *

 

Feeling Low

My husband works full time in an office and every evening and weekends on his father’s sheep farm. I go to my parents during the week to help look after my disabled Mum, she can’t stand or walk. I have a six year old daughter. I have one friend of whom I see about three times a year. I have always found it hard to make friends. I don’t have a social life, I find myself comfort eating. I had very little support when my daughter was born and felt so isolated. My husband and daughter are over at the farm. I used to go out on the farm before my daughter was born but I no longer have an interest. I am usually in the house on my own. I never have any visitors. I was bullied at school and treated badly at work. I let people talk down to me and treat me like an idiot. I feel so worthless and ugly. I don’t go to the hair salon anymore and my hair is showing the grey strands. I am very self conscious about my looks and avoid wedding invitations. I feel so alone and don’t know what to do. I wish I had your confidence. What do you advise the wife of a sheep loving husband to do!?

Sorry to hear that your mum is not well. I know how hard it is to have a poorly parent. I would advise that you speak to her GP about maybe organising help in the form of home carers or maybe some respite for you.

I’m also really sorry that you’re feeling so low and isolated. I created this online community because I was feeling very similar to you 4 years ago. Are you on Facebook and a member of our group ‘The Crazy Life of a Farmer’s Wife’? If you aren’t then I must advise that you join straight away… I cannot explain to you the thousands of farmers wives that have felt exactly this way. They joined the group and started chatting to ladies in the same position and instantly felt “normal” and accepted, and thousands have made real and true friends! I promise you that joining our group will eliminate some of this loneliness that you are feeling so please do join if you haven’t already.

I am not confident at all but I have learned to push myself to do things out of fear of becoming a true hermit. This is so important. No matter how hard it feels please please try to get out a little more. I find it really helps to set yourself goals. Start small, like “this week I will go to the shop and I’ll talk to one person”. You will feel so positive after you’ve achieved your goal and it will give you more confidence to continue putting yourself out there more.

Could you start a group? Maybe a local fitness group or crafts? A reason to get out and talk to people and hopefully make friends?

I can promise you now that you are not alone in feeling this way but I urge you to start pushing yourself more as you sound as if you’re at a real low point. Go and spend time with your husband and daughter on the farm, if you haven’t done it for a while you might enjoy it. You need to have a think about what makes YOU happy.

If you feel as if you might need professional help then please ring your GP as it sounds as if you may be experiencing depression.

Again, our Facebook group has been a real life saver for so many. We organise local meet ups across the country where you can go for a drink with other ‘crazies’ as they call themselves and be comforted by the fact that all the ladies know how you’re feeling.

Take care of yourself lovely lady.

 

Depression

My husband is undergoing counselling for depression , we are in the middle of lambing so very long days for him. I work full time. How can I support him?

So sorry to hear that your husband isn’t feeling too good but absolutely amazing that he has sought help! So many farmer’s (and men in general for that matter) don’t so for that I really do commend him and I really do hope the counselling is helping.

Does your husband have any help on the farm in terms of farm workers? If he doesn’t and obviously you can afford to maybe looking into some help would be beneficial. If only whilst you are lambing.

Depression is a really tough one as everybody’s needs are different and so it’s hard to say how to support somebody suffering from it. Patience is always top of the list though and I know that can be really hard but giving him time and not trying to push him will really help. Let him know that you are there and that you will support him however you can. Maybe you could have a chat with him and ask him how you can support him through this.

But do not forget about yourself and your feelings. I hope that you have people that you can lean on whilst you’re holding him up.

There are some really fantastic charities that can really help too, and I mean help both of you. I’ve listed them below. It might be worth contacting them, I know he is seeing a counsellor but the farming charities can help from a workload perspective so I’d really advise you speak to them all. They might not be able to help but they may be able to advise, and It’s only a phone call after all!

Take care x

FCN (Farming Community Network)

R.A.B.I 

YANA (Area dependant) 

DPJ Foundation 

 

 

 

My Farmer Has Gone Off Me!

Farmer seems to have gone off me. We’ve only been married a few years, I have a 10 month old baby with him, and I know that I’ve let myself go but I’m just so tired what with the baby, the house and helping him on the farm.  He doesn’t seem to have any interest in me at all anymore but is a wonderful daddy to our little girl. What can I do? I am so scared I’ll lose him.

Firstly, congratulations on your little girl! They’re so much stress and so much fun all at once aren’t they!? I know exactly where you’re coming from on the tired front. Life gets so manic when you have little ones and a farm, and it can definitely feel quite overwhelming. So overwhelming that you tend to stop thinking about yourself… I know I’ve let myself go since having our boys but that’s because my priorities have changed, just like yours have. And your husband should understand this. Have you tried telling him that you feel like this? It could be that he too is totally knackered from becoming a new dad, or maybe he feels (like many new dads) like he doesn’t have a clue what to do so has may have subconsciously taken a step back? My advise in situations like this is to always try to let him know how you feel – communication is always key!

I would highly reccomend a date night! Book a babysitter and go out for the evening, even if its just for a couple of drinks in the local. It is so important when you become parents to remember that you are still in a relationship and you need to put aside time to be together. Away from the kids and the farm. Put on your best outfit, do your hair and make up and knock his socks off! Remind him that although you are pooped you are still here and you’re still rocking it!


Want my advice? Ask me anything…